Butterfly on the Wall

Many times in the course of my life I have heard people say "I wish I could be a fly on that wall". To be able to sit on a wall and hear what's really going on when you are not around. There were many times that I wished the same thing. The only difference is, I did not want to be a fly on the wall since I think flies are kind of gross. I wanted to be a butterfly. I have always loved butterflies. I think that they are one of the most whimsical, beautiful and free creatures in this great world of ours. I love them because they go from one stage in their lives to another through evolving from a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly. I had been in the middle of figuring some things out in my life; from puberty and getting my first period to figuring out who I was as a person.

Growing up I loved spending time with my grandparents and I was lucky enough to have my great grandparents in my life. I was particularly close to my Great Grandma Alice. As I kid, I remember going to visit her when we would go see my grandparents as they both lived in the same town. I typically would see them only on the holidays, so it was only a few times a year. I was fond of Alice because she thought I was special. She gave me the time I needed and the attention I wanted from people. She always took interest in what I was doing in my life and what was going on in my life. Throughout my childhood years, I had this weird fascination with my grandma's skin. You know how grandparents get wrinkles and their skin turns very soft? My grandma Alice had the softest skin I have ever known and I loved hugging her and touching her hands. I was completely amazed that skin could do that with time. It was like putting your hands into a pile of baby powder; that's how soft her skin was. The main thing I always remember about Alice is that she always had gum with her. Not the packs like we can buy at the store but these tiny 5 piece packs (they look like the gum pieces you push out of the foil casing but there are only 5 pieces. They were stacked on top of each other and wrapped up). She had tons of different flavors with her but my favorite was the red cinnamon ones.

Alice knew about my love for music and my interests in butterflies. She also knew that I loved school so very much; I loved learning. She always encouraged me to keep going with school, do your best and she would be there to support me along the way. One particular summer trip to my grandparents, I spent time with Alice. We played games I do believe and other fun things. Before I left to go back home, Alice gave me a gift to take home...They were a pair of butterfly clips that were coated in colored glitter. One was light blue in color and the other was pink. The cool thing about these clips was that the butterfly sat on a hair clasp and with movement, both of the butterfly wings would move back and forth as if it was flying. I thought these things were so precious because they came from my grandma, but they were cool at the same time because I had never seen anything like them before. My sister didn't even have anything like these, so I was super stoked! Grandma said that she got them on one of her many trips to Texas/Mexico during the winter months as she and my great grandpa would travel down south for the winter. She said that she saw them at a little boutique during one of her trips and thought I would like them, so she got them for me...Little did she know that I not only liked them and felt special to have something so cool, but I was completely in love with them. They were and have been to this day two of the coolest and prettiest hair clips I have ever seen...I wore them a couple times during the summer to I think church once or when we went somewhere nice, but I really wanted to wear them to school this coming year (8th grade). They were really cool, and very pretty. I thought that my friends would like them...I thought that this was it, this was going to be a better year and I would finally get to have something that not only was cool and looked nice, but something that finally made me feel beautiful.

It was almost like I was stuck in a cocoon and breaking through those parts of my life, shedding the things that happened in 7th grade to start fresh as a beautiful butterfly for 8th grade. My ideal thought of this personal evolving was a vision I had that was soon trampled to the ground. My beautiful butterfly wings were ripped off and thrown away...

I do not remember exactly when this incident occurred as it was not at the beginning of the year. Keep in mind that I was receptive to bullying before and after these events I have shared, but I am sharing only the ones that were the most dominant, and the most severe. I was all set and ready for my 8th grade year. Hand-me-down clothes, new shoes but I had my beautiful butterfly clips. I had worn one of the clips once before this incident happened and nothing happened, I even got a few compliments on how nice they were...So naturally you would want to wear them again.

I do believe that one of the students who attended the same school as I did and was friends with the girls who picked on me. This girl was killed by a drunk driver in a car accident. The girls' name who died was Regina. The girls who picked on me had no clue that I did actually know Regina, however, we were not friends. I had a mutual friend in common with Regina, but none of the girls who tormented me knew that.

I was sitting in I think Math class or maybe it was Language Arts class? I had worn my hair up in a tightly placed "bun". I made sure that the middle of the bun had an opening so I could place my new butterfly clip in the middle of it. That's how Grandma Alice said it is usually worn. So, I wore my pink clip this particular day (I think it was a few days or a week after this fatal accident happened) and no one had bothered me about it until I was in this class. There was this girl who sat behind me who I will call Sasha. Well Sasha, apparently was very angry that I was wearing this clip in my hair. Apparently, butterflies was Regina's favorite insect and she loved them. This I had no idea about as like I said I had met her a time or two through a mutual friend but I never really talked to her...

Sasha thought that my choice to wear my clip was an ultimate sign of disrespect for Regina. She confronted me about the clip and told me that I needed to take the clip out of my hair. Her words were "You cannot wear that clip because you did not know Regina, you were not friends with her and she would be disgusted to know you were wearing this clip"! The words may be flipped around in a different order from what was initially said, but all of these words were spoken to me by Sasha. I never really had a problem with Sasha before this as she was friends with the girls who picked on me, and at times she would call me a name or two, but for the most part, she never really did anything to me until this day. I told Sasha "No! I am not taking out my clip, I got it as a gift and I don't care about if Regina would be upset or not, it's my clip, I like it, I am not trying to disrespect anyone but I am going to wear it"! That was probably one of the first and only times I actually stood up for myself and said something back.

I turned around to face the front of the classroom, leaving my clip where it was and in a vulnerable state to be yanked out of my hair...Sasha waited I think maybe a whole minute or two and then proceeded to take the clip out herself. She ripped it out of my hair and put it in her pocket. The teacher was not in the room at the time, I am not sure if the teacher went to get something or what was the reason for no teacher in the classroom at that time. Sasha ended up pulling my hair in the process of grabbing the clip...I never did see her do anything to the clip while we were in class. She would not give the clip back even after I asked for it...I do believe she either broke it or threw it away or both...I never saw that pink clip again...I never told my grandma Alice what really happened to them, even as an adult I never told her. When she asked, I told her that I either borrowed them to a friend, or I left them at home and forgot to wear them...After a while she stopped asking me about them...I think I broke her heart because she knew I was lying to her about what happened to them, but I would not tell her what really happened...I felt bad enough, I didn't want to disappoint her too...

A few days later, I had gotten this new pair of blue jeans and a nice light blue shirt. I really wanted to wear the blue clip to complete my outfit...I thought long and hard about if I should wear it or not. Against my better judgment, I wore it to school with my new outfit...That day was the typical day at school...Go to classes, hear a name call here or there, try to get as much homework done in class as possible, and avoid Sasha...That day of the blue clip, for some reason Sasha had not been in class and I had not seen her all day. I thought "great, I can wear it and get through the day without running into Sasha". Oddly enough, after our class Sasha and I would've have together, I left the room to go to lunch I believe and I saw her a few feet down the hall from where I was at. I wondered why she had not been in class if she was in school, but I was kind of relieved that she was not in class, so I didn't pay too much attention to it...In our middle school, the hallways were set up to where the lunch room is in the smack dab, middle of the building...There was a "short way" and a "long way" to get to the lunchroom. Sasha was standing with her group of friends close to the lunch room by means of the "short way", so I decided to walk the extra distance and go the "long way" to the lunch room. I figured if I get in the cafeteria, there are lunch monitors, adults, and surely Sasha and her friends cannot pick on me with adults watching them...

I walked the long way around the back half of the school to get back to the lunch room. My thought was "I'm almost there, as long as I avoid eye contact, she may just leave me alone". My thoughts were short lived when I approached the hallway to the cafeteria. Sasha and her friends moved closer to the long way side where I was coming from and there was no way I could get into the lunch room without passing them...Sasha and her friends approach me. Sasha must have filled them in about the whole Regina and butterfly thing with me because Sasha looked at my "bun" to see if I had another clip sitting there...Sure enough I had as I wore it to school that day with my new outfit...Sasha exclaims "see this is what I was talking about. She had a pink one in her hair a few days ago. Regina would be so mad if she saw this in her hair"! Little did Sasha know that I had met Regina through that mutual friend and Regina seemed very nice and in reality she probably would not care in the least had she been there...But Sasha made sure to let me know how disgusted and distraught Regina would have been had she seen me wearing it. I cannot remember if it was Sasha who grabbed the blue clip and broke in front of me or if it was one of her friend groupies...Sasha was surely there and between her and the three other girls, my beautiful blue clip was ripped from my hair with more force than the first...They stepped on it, when they realized it was metal, they proceeded to break the clasp, and bend the wings off of it and then throw it in the garbage...I just let them do it. I didn't try to stop them, I didn't do anything because I was more afraid of getting beat up. I figured, if they had something else to take out their aggression on, it would save them from taking it out on me physically...

Those girls proceeded to go into the lunch room like nothing happened after they did that. I went to the bathroom to pee and cry. I decided that the one shred of dignity I had left was not crying in front of them. After my episode with the Walkman, I decided that they were not going to have one more thing to control in my small life...I had control over my emotions and they were not going to get that from me too...I never did let them see me cry, not that I think they would have cared or felt bad if they had...But it was the last shred of dignity I had left and I was not going to give it up. After I regained my composure, I left the bathroom and went into the lunch room. The lunch monitor could tell that I had been crying as my face and eyes turn red and blotchy...That lady looked at me for a few minutes, knowing I had been crying and she NEVER asked me if I was okay, if something was wrong? As an adult, I cannot grasp why no one does anything or says anything if they see these things are going on? It's common sense people! I wish that lunch lady would have asked me what was wrong or took the time to see if I was okay...She never did ask and I never did tell...

I have not seen any of these girls with the exception of Sasha and one other girl who I see my Freshmen year and creates another incident for me...As adults, I have spoken with Sasha and she has apologized for the things she did to me growing up. She feels genuinely sorry for doing what she did and I have since forgiven her and I am now a friend of hers and do speak to her on occasion...Sasha shared with me that she, herself was dealing with her own personal demons during those years and although it does not excuse or make what she did to me right, she did share with me some of what she was going through during those years of her life...I now understand why she acted out the way she did, however, it does not excuse what she and her friends did to me as those memories I will have for the rest of my life...I do not hold any anger or hate/resentment towards any of the people who bullied and tormented me growing up...I did through high school and I swore if I ever saw them after 8th grade I would do something about it this time...These girls and all the things that happened to me in those 2 years is what caused me to transfer to a different High school. Our town is sectioned off into North and South for school locations...If you lived on the North side of town, you went to one high school, and if you lived on the South side, you went to a different high school on that side of town...I lived on the North side of town and so did these girls so naturally after middle school, we would all be going to the HS on the North side of town...I had enough of all the bullying and the torment that I begged my parents and the school counselor at North to allow me to transfer to the South side HS so I did not have to spend the next 4 yrs. of my life dealing with those same girls...After much debating and begging on my part, my parents agreed and I was able to finally catch a break from the bullying and try to have a normal HS experience...The bullying was never as bad in HS, but it surely did happen...

Parents, please be mindful of what your children are bringing to school. If they have anything of value, please be careful when letting your children bring those items to school. Not all children suffer from bullying but those valuable things can get broken either by playing recklessly with them or children letting friends play with them...Please also be mindful of how your children act when coming or going to school. If you notice something out of the norm, please take the time to find out what is going on. Chances are, they will not tell you right away but please keep pestering them and asking them what's going on because eventually they will tell you and you then can help them fix the problem.

~Melissa